• hopepatterson3

The System

A Bunch Of Deckheads

I trust you’re well. An unfortunate incident took place where Ayo was DJ’ing at Simmons Bar Kings Cross and some fucking idiot decided to throw his drink over Ayo’s equipment which was subsequently damaged. The aforementioned individual was not charged.

Dear Mr Osibugun

I am writing to inform you that as a result of our investigation into your crime, I have concluded that at this time unfortunately there is insufficient evidence to proceed, and that the specific investigation into your crime will now be closed unless any further information comes to light.

After further investigation I have determined the suspect does don’t have a charge to answer and the damage caused to your property was done acidentally rather than deliberatley or recklessly. The suspect has been released without any further action and this report will be closed.

I understand that this may frustrate and disappoint you, so I am writing to advise you about the other steps we take to respond to your crime.

1. Your crime has been passed to the local police Intelligence Unit. The Intelligence Unit will examine your crime to see if it is linked to others.

2. Should we catch an offender at a later date for a similar crime to yours, we will investigate whether that offender is also responsible for your crime. Each year, we solve over 8,000 crimes this way. Should any further evidence arise, we will act on it and will inform you if we re-open the investigation into your crime.

3. If your crime involved property that was stolen from you, your property is now logged and can be returned to you if recovered. The Metropolitan Police Service recovers approximately £15 million worth of stolen property each year.

4. The Safer Neighbourhoods Team that covers the location where your crime occurred will have been made aware that you have become a victim of crime. There is a dedicated Safer Neighbourhoods Team for every electoral ward in London. Although my involvement in this investigation is now over, you can contact your local Safer Neighbourhoods Team if you need further support from police or if you wish to know more about local policing. You can find your local Safer Neighbourhoods Team via our website or by calling 101 and asking for the contact details for your local team.

5. Further support is available to you from Victim Support. Victim Support is a national charity that provides help free of charge to victims of crime that includes emotional support, practical help and other information about the criminal justice process. Many victims are contacted automatically by Victim Support, but should you feel that you would like help, you can contact them at any time on 0845 303 0900 or online at The service is available even if you have already declined assistance.

Once again I am sorry that you have become a victim of crime. I would like to re-emphasise that the specific investigation into your crime is now closed.

However, I want to thank you for reporting this matter to us and for your support and patience during the investigation. Without this information, we would not have the full picture of crime on this borough and we would not be able to align our resources to where they are needed most. If you have any queries about the decision to close the investigation into your crime, or about the other steps covered in this letter, you can contact me through the contact details at the bottom of this email.

Yours sincerely


This is a precautionary warning for those concerned. Get your shit insured.

In an attempt to work in a more efficient manner and batch my activities can I ask the following:

  1. Please ensure that you let me know your availability no later than Monday 12pm. Failure to do so will result in you not being contacted with regards to gigs.

  2. If you haven’t been notified with regards to any bookings it’s fair to assume that your services will not be required. It’s counterproductive me affording time to notifying everyone that they won’t be required on a given week.

  3. Can you let me know whether or not you’ll be available for New Years Eve as soon as possible.

  4. Finally, any incidents that may have taken place at a venue please advise as soon as possible. That way I’m able to manage expectations.

  5. Unless it's a Bank Holiday weekend I'm closed for business on Sunday

Your cooperation with regards to the above would be greatly appreciated.